Hello again,

And greeters to fellow reader(s)

Just to make it rhyme. LOL

Obviously, or not, this week seems to flow so fast.

I didn't even realize today is Wednesday.

Oh wait, it's Thursday already?

Sigh.

So, hopes eh?

Tell me something guys.

Comment on my post if you never had hoped in your life.

But I guess nobody dares huh?

OR so to say,

We all do give our hopes on something, situationally or even yet desperately.

Need yet an example?

"When I grow up, I wish to be a doctor." - YOU, yes YOU.

*chuckles*

Nah not necessarily a doctor.

But yes, what are AMBITIONS if it is not your hope?

That's hope in some easy way to say.

Why do I talk about this in the first place?

You must wonder if I have any hopes I wish to tell.

If you do, give yourself a clap.

May it be true.

Oh you want me to tell?

Oh well.

"I just wish to be but a happy person." - Me.

 And I didn't expect to change dramatically.

Or I'll die shocked of myself becoming so gay.

Today (Wednesday), I was nearly attacked by my depression again.

After two days I did a promise to myself not to think so much again.

After some desperate moments, I saw my friends coming back from somewhere.

A lucky call.

Or else I'll start to crawl again.

"I won't demand but I will just ask, I need you guys" - Me.

People around me,
From spectators to actors, so I shall say.
They now play a role to my life.
Sure sadness shall come once in awhile,
But,
Not WITHOUT a REASON dammit.
That is why,
I wanted to climb out from this hellish pit.
So people, do help me.


"Mena x?"
Sleep well.

Specter Specter!

Hi again.
Troubled hearts are as heavy as sunken ships.
That's improper.
But anyways, it's still heavy.
Anything you do is... wrong... even though it's not!
Specter?
Ever heard of AC-130 Specter Gunship? It's the death from above.
THIS is a specter gunship:

A hit by one bullet is an ultimate OUCH!
But its not that specter that i'll be talking about tho.
In DotA, Mercurial the Specter is a force to be reckoned with.
It is a hero in which that when played excellently, would be the total nightmare of any other players.
Here is Mercurial the Specter or in DotA Spectre.

Well I am not here to write a guide on how to play specter. This is just a symbolic on what am I going to write next.


Now,
Back to the specter.
There is one skill which makes this ghost to appear anywhere on the map.
Yes, you are right. Her Ultimate. HAUNT.


Some Explanation.

Skill name: Haunt.
Duration: 4/5/6 seconds on level 6/11/16.
Description: Creates an image next to every enemy hero in the game, dealing 40% damage and receive 300% damage. No matter where you are, if this skill is activated, you are haunted. + Merc can activate another skill, following the ulti, which is the REALITY skill, where she teleports to an illusion of her liking.


This is specter in DotA. A hellish nightmare.


But again, that's not the point why am I writing this post.
It is about specters in our daily lives.
And I am not talking about ghosts here.
Everyone, yep, I said EVERYONE will have their own specters once in a while.
Your homework for instance, in case tomorrow's the due date and you haven't done a single bit of it yet.
Your teacher too for this matter.
Your heart will sink into despair, tremble into fear.
You will feel DARKNESS.


One song:
Darkness,
Imprisoning me,
All that I see,
Absolute horror,
I cannot live,
I cannot die,
Trapped in myself,
Body my holding cell.
- Metallica - One.


Although the song wasn't about spectres,
but that was the ultimate part of having one haunting you.


And believe me, my specter, I do have one, is the one person so dear to me, but yet, she haunts me day and night. Never did I like having one.
"You're crazy." - I probably am.
"You're overreacting" - It was not my wish.
"Stop thinking too much." - Not like this, dammit.

"How, how come I want you? Like the soil yearns for the rain?" Kamelot - EdenEcho.

Have you a specter I ask? Anything that haunts you? Your past? Or your present?
Or are you your own specter?


I am writing this because I need to express myself. I am partly mad of this insane ongoing ordeal.
Seriously, it is not of my wish. It was out of my control. I am sorry, kaedy.
I never thought that it would soon be like this.
At one point, I wonder if i should just have kept it in my thoughts some time ago. Let it pass.
But I guess, what's done is done. I am on my way now, I can't stop just yet.
One trait of mine I haven't mentioned.
Fatalistic.
What shall be my way, I shall go through it.
I shall let my fate be done, although I shall strongly struggle to endure the pain.
O Allah the merciful, heal my soul of impurities, may the best path be given to me.

"Shall I open my eyes, you are around. Shall I close it, you are in front of me." - Me.

And whatever happens, I shall close my eyes. And cry. 
Of joy or of sorrow.
I am pretty depressive am I?
Who's fault was that?
I don't know, but I suppose it was just who I am.
Now, back to the specter.
Some say I just need a good slap to the face.
Haven't tried it yet.
I guess, the best way to end this nightmare is still mere confrontation.
All truth and no lies. All truth and no lies.
*Taking a deep breath in.*
*Releasing a heavy breath out*.
Which is a heavy sigh.


The Fog Of War - You will never know what is behind it. 
Could be a Pudge waiting to meat hook?
Or a Mirana waiting to cast Elune's arrow?
Could be anything.
Or a Specter wandering around, waiting for a soul feast?
Again, specter. LOL.


I wish I can compress this whole feeling thing and focus on my upcoming exam.
Kill it and keep it in an urn.
Then I'll resurrect it sometime later.
Would any of you guys do that? No?
LOL what am i talking about? *facepalm and stabs himself*
This is critical. You have landed a Coup Dé Grâce on me.
And now you Wind Walked. And gone.


You have pwned Me for 300 gold.
======+Dota Chat Log+======


You [All]: LOL again.
Me [All]: Fuuuuuuuuuu~~~~


========================-

"Shall it be my greatest of fear to lose something dear, after or even before I was able to grasp it properly." - Me.

And yeah this song, love it:
I try my best to satisfy,
But all you do is waving me goodbye,
I don't know what I'm gonna do,
Cause I'm so crazy about you.
- Basshunter - Angel In The Night. EXACTLY.


You played the role as my specter perfectly that it was a total nightmare to me. Waarrghh!


Sigh, but on the other hand, there is a bunch of unsaid gratitudes. Thanks:
- For changing me - No longer 730 but 630. It feels great. I feel better as a human being. I began to take care of my hygiene, my attitude, my speech, my manners. tsk tsk.
- For bringing me absolute joy. Yeah of course.
- For inflicting me sadness. I feel like a human again.
- For hearing my woes. You are a good friend. A good listener. Open minded.
- For giving me memories. There are some things I did that I had never done before to cherish.
- For being my specter. It feels bad but at least I can see you. *stars on the head*


And some other things, should I forgot.


Yeah yeah I know, you won't probably care too much.
But so you know I do.

"I shall be bothered, But I shall not want to bother you." - posted this sometime ago. 

Words of double meaning. Sort it out.
Talked much. Told much.
I am truly sorry if this post makes any of you sick with me.
I just wanted you to know how do I exactly feel, and by doing this,
I AM TAKING A HUGE RISK.
But I guess I have to carve this somewhere, or i'll be chasing geese.


Yeah all the depression and stuff.
And hey, I'm happy to have you wandering around in my heart. Life seems to be fulfilling lately.
And I'm thinking of keeping it inside. LOL.
Never mind the pain. Some typing will heal me. =)
And sorry again for the 'whats-wrong-with-this-guy' attitude.
It was just me unable to control myself. Now sit! *sleeps*
I'm thinking too much dammit! *slaps himself*
But oh well, it's common eh? Or not. *yawn*


Fun fact: When you order Mercurial to walk around in the game, she will eventually say something that sounds like:
*Mhenaa Shi?*
"Mena x?"


Later.

A late Hi.

Oh where are my manners?

Hello.

The name given upon me is Muhamad Qaedi Bin Edanan.

Sorry for talking crap before telling who the crapper is.

I am 18, again.

Born on Twelfth of September One-Nine-Nine-Two. Right.

For some reason, My DOB and Name has a common factor.

12/09/1992 is one day away from 11/09/1992 i.e the day which... u know it.

My name is Qaedi and should you notice it, a certain nigh to Al - Qaeda.

I should stop.. Controversial! Controversial!

Sigh.

I posted a blog earlier on the elements of life, where I share my points of view to the world about life professionally.

But here I'm going gay and talk about stuffs generally which is my daily occurrences, random stuffs bla bla bla.

Here, my favourite intro phrase:

"I am a gamer" - Kaedy.

By the way, Kaedy or even shorter KD is my nickname. I searched for Kaedy in facebook and most of the results I get are females. OMG my name is that of a female's.
Another sigh.
But anyhow, it's unique isn't it?


Now back to the gamer thing.
Yes, I am one of those gamers you guys despise. Or not.
Some say I have the aura of keyboards and joysticks around me.
Some even saw a DotA game running inside my eyes when i stare them.
No comment. You judge. LOL.
What games I like? - Anything FUN or ATTRACTIVE.
Why do I play? - Mostly 2 reasons.
#1: I play to release myself from the strains of the real world. If I do, I won't care should I lose or win. Sometimes winning or losing doesn't matter.
#2: Grinding. To be a better gamer. To be the BEST. To beat my own limit. To improve my hand-eye-brain coordination. When I am playing seriously I often get stressed. But no worries. Moderate stress is healthy. LOL.


Honestly, I think my gaming habit is a bit lesser now. 3-7 hours per day instead of 24/7 like I used to.
Why? Hello! I'm trying to get a life here. I had none before this.
Sigh yet again.
But now i felt reborn anew. *claps*


My personality? Here's a list of mine that i'm sure of:
- Clumsy. weehee! Drop stuffs here and there. Snapped my hand (where before this i cracked it a few times). Don't ever let me do the 'stuff handling' sort of things, especially handling a 'this-is-rare-and-expensive' kind of stuff.
- Professional Slacker. Well actually just a common slacker. Professional as in lucky. Read books? Hello bed!
- My-Lappy-Is-My-Best-Friend. Yep. I guess I won't have to explain more on this one.
- Seasonal Loner. The ditched. Or simply solitude. Not always, but for me it is fun sometimes to be alone walking.
- Depressive. I can't be bored. That's why I'm writing this post. The fourth sigh.
- Silent. true true. But there are times I talk loud and hurt other people. sorry.
- Needs Attention. Who doesn't?
- Don't-Really-Care. If I think something is worth to be bought, I'll buy it. If I think something is worth to be worked for, I'll do it.
- Sharp-Starer. Sorry if i ever did this to you. The eyes are the first part to see of a person. Even though I wore a 200-degreed spec.
- You-Are-Never-Dull. This specifically to a certain type of attachment. (See my blog on Adjectamentum.) Give me something and I'll treasure it. Smile to me and I'll never get bored of it. Give me a song and I'll listen to it always. Common isn't it? Take that.
- Narrative. I simply love writing what's on my mind. Check my Facebook notes for my poems. =)
- Weird. Bear with me.


Here are the list of my personality based on other people:
- Cheerful? uh, maybe I like to jump-walk sometimes. Or talk loud. Or say happy things. I guess.
- Not an egoist? Not sure of that. Seriously. I hope I can be that type. =)
- Emo? Hey hey, I never did have a 'arisato-minato' hairstyle. Beat it.
- Kind? Not while playing dota. I'll try to be as kind as I can tho.
- Advice-giving? Maybe.
- Smoker? Sorry dad, i don't smoke.
- Hopeless Romantic? Personally this is the most exciting thing I've heard this time around. No comment. Sigh square.
- Perfectionist? Perfect isn't really my thing, but I like to try my best.
- Motivator? the 'come-on-come-on-you-can-do-it' stuff? Everyone does that. LOL.
- Annoying? at times. sorry about that.
- Tolerant? I dream to be a person with this trait.


Enough traits.
Oh yeah, In this blog I too shall talk about my set of ideals.
My motto? Do I really need to tell?
I had one back then, but now I guess i'm still looking for one.
Mine back then:

"Knowledge is POWER. HIDE it well."

Well, I got this from the Dawn Of War: Soul Storm game.
Hide can mean two things.
#1: Not to share. Baad!
#2: Not to show off. Good!
Symbolic? Think.


Then should you ask,
WHY starring ME YOU and THEM? but never did I mention any other person here?
HELLO!! This is just the intro dude.
I'll write some more later, and I'll try to express myself here.
Good job I've found myself a new hobby. sigh cube.
I love writing. I hope none of you will get annoyed by my posts.
Btw, It's my post so i can post it anytime I wanted!
Very well, talk to ya guy(s) later, more about me, you, them, and us.


The question remains,
"Mena x?"


Adios.